May 28, 2012

Things were so much simpler before. Before him. Before them. Before all of it. I allowed myself to get sucked into that world because I had wanted it for so long. Want something long enough and apparently you will get it. But, be careful what you wish for. I was always told that. And its the truth. I certainly got what I wanted, but not in the way that I thought. They accepted me into their little group because I had conned my way there. Made my way into their group and that’s when I realized things aren’t exactly as they seem. I had to become someone I wasn’t for them to accept me. And then I just kept changing, however they wanted me to be. And definitely wasn’t someone I wanted to be. I turned into a liar and did things that I promised myself I never would. When I finally stood up for myself, they turned against me as if I was nothing. We were never really friends. But accomplices in crime. You start showing your true colors and they don’t want anything to do with you anymore. That’s just how they are. When you start playing by your own rules, instead of theirs, you’re out. Its just how the group works. I knew that when I stood up for myself but I didn’t want to believe that they would actually do it to me. i actually allowed myself to think those jerks were truly my friends. That they cared about me. I was a fool to think that they ever were. For a while I played by their rules for too long and it destroyed me. And now, I want to show them that they can’t play games with life and people’s reputations. They have a hard lesson to learn.

Sometimes I feel like a gerbil, running around and around on his wheel! Stuck like a horse mounted on a carousel. With no choice. My entire life stuck spinning in the same circle. People come and go. They use and abuse me with no other thought than their own pleasure and enjoyment. But I mean nothing to them. To them, I am just a temporary part of their lives. I play a small part in the bigger picture of their lives. Just something to tide them over until their real lives start or the great times begin. But I have no place in that part of their lives. I’m just something they can play with until they get bored. Then they move onto the next best thing. There’s always something better and I never can measure up to it. A shinier toy, brighter and newer always comes. And those that abandon me are so insensitive, they can’t even conjure up a good reason as to why they are leaving. No, they usually just up and leave without a single word of warning or explanation. They leave me there wondering what it is I’ve done wrong, how I’ve screwed up this time. Some stick around for a little while, to make the loss more gradual. To ease my pain. How thoughtful of them. It hurts all the same though. They are gone from my life. Just like all the others who abandon me. They just chose to stick around to twist the knife a little longer. As if losing them isn’t bad enough, I have to deal with the things they leave behind. Accidental keepsakes of our failed friendship, or even worse, relationship. I can never seem to escape the reminders of the past, the hurt. I tell myself that I will be more careful next time. But I always jump into careless as ever. They say they’ll never leave. They promise we’ll be friends forever. Or that we’ll be together forever. Just lies I’m being fed. Even if they don’t know they are lying yet, they are. Because no one can manage to tolerate me forever. They all get fed up with me eventually and then they are gone, just like that. Eventually, it always turns out the same. I’m alone. And I’ll never learn.

Yesterday, I got this writing book. It has a bunch of weird exercises in it to start you writing. Its different from any of the other book I’ve seen. Its almost like a kids workbook. Fun of silly and fun things. I did the first one today. So anything that seems out of the norm from my daily writing is because it was a prompt or exercise from the book.

Did you ever truly love me. And did you ever truly care. Do you know how much it means to have you near. All I ask of you is the truth, the truth my dear. Because I’m tired of the lies. And I’m tired of asking why.

972 

Watching Buffy before daily writing time, write about one girl chosen from all the others to fight the things in the night. In my defense, it is not about a vampire slayer and it not actually all that much like Buffy but still, I thought it was kind of funny. I’m not sure I like how its written though because I did it in first person and I really can’t stand first person writing. I prefer third person so I can jump into anybody’s brain. Muhaha. Anyways, clocked 972 words in 20 minutes. Really trying to 1000 everyday but oh well. Chances are I’ll be writing again later anyways.

1415

Unless I really like what I’ve written for the day, I won’t be posting anymore. I don’t want to fill this with crap writing. I said I was giving up on writing but I’ve done that before. I was frustrated because writing used to be my outlet and the emotions I was feeling at the time weren’t doing much for my writing. Anyways, I will be posting my word counts though. Pretty proud of myself. Just sat down for about 20 minutes and wrote 1415 words. Its not the best thing in the world but it actually has the potential to get turned into a story. We shall see if I ever revisit it.

Story Idea

This is something that occurred to me while I was walking today. Disclaimer, its not truly writing but just an idea. It needs some work but its the basis of something I would like to write on in the future.

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April 28, 2012 - Part 2

Well, this is awful. But it popped into my head so I had to write (type) it up. Just pouring all my ideas out from now on. No matter how terrible, as you can see. Hoping a good one will come along and I won’t ignore it like I have in the past.

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Arisya - Prologue

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April 28, 2012

Just got bored while at my grandma’s house and decided to do a little character thing from the other person’s point of view. But yeah. I am liking these characters that my brain has decided to create. I won’t actually use what I’ve written more likely but it helped me start to flesh out ideas for a future story.

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